I had the "find someone for yourself else I'll have to do the honors" conversation with my dad a couple of days back. "Aaah I don't want to" I said. "You have to" he said. "We'll have the rest of this conversation after another 3 years" I said. He agreed.
"You have to" he said. Why? Why do I have to.. Why do almost 99.9% of the Indians think it absolutely necessary to get married. A friend of mine had a similar conversation with her dad. This was her argument (this is hearsay, so these might not be her exact words): girls generally get married for financial support, emotional support and physical intimacy. She is able to support herself financially, her friends give her all the emotional support she needs and physical intimacy isn't hard to find these days. So why does one need to get married. I don't completely agree with her. Maybe once your friends get married and have their own families they won't be able to give you the same kind of emotional support. But then again maybe having emotional support is another one of those over-rated things. Go for long enough without it and you'll get used to it.
Maybe that's not all. Maybe you also get married for companionship and children. Maybe it is the maternal instinct in us that drives us towards marriage and consequently having children. But marriage isn't necessary for that. If one wants to have a child adoption is always an option. Not to mention having children outside of wedlock (I can almost hear the tsk tsks). We could live life the Sushmita Sen way. Buy our own diamonds and adopt a child.
Me. I'm a skeptic. I don't believe in the concept of ever lasting love and being made for each other. I believe you can have a fairly comfortable marriage with almost any guy (provided you give it your time and energy) and that no guy can give you the perfect marriage. But why marry when you can have it all (at least most of it) without the trouble. Maybe. Just maybe it's about finding "the right guy". She once said, "the guy who'll make you want to sacrifice the familiar for the "maybe"". Don't think it can be expressed any better than that.
16 comments:
Khoob bhalo, I must say. Neenu talent ittidiya.
:D Thanks ma'a.. Neevu Bengali nalli channagi compliment maadtira.
I am not for or against getting married. No doubt that marriage is big deal and life changing event in human society but does not cover all aspect of many intimate life needs. Just to name a few like your emotional attachment to others (friends, siblings etc.).
Evolution (adaptation to the environment and quest for survivability) was (and is) a major driver for pairing up to pass the gene pool to next generation. Passing genes in not just mating and giving birth but taking care of the children for a long period of time till they can survive by themselves. This required a “household” framework from both partners, which is sustainable formal commitment. Marriage had other significant added benefits , one of them was/is making political alliances, which are well documented throughout the human history.
Now from past 200-300 (you can argue 5000 years as well) years, humans have much better control on the environment they live in. So, we are no loner under the same pressure to feel safe and secure which might have been a dominating thought in prehistoric times when living in small tribes in jungles.
These days, getting married is optional. In modern settings, life can work normally without having a full time committed partner or support.
To me, cultural traditions are also evolutionary pressures guiding (rightly or wrongly) one to certain direction. Keep in mind that not getting married is also a part of the tradition (may be a recent addition) as well.
PS: There is recent evidence that human male infidelity is incurable! Guess why?
Hmm.. Eat.. Why?
To survive
Hmm.. Work.. Why?
To think
Hmm.. Sleep.. Why?
To relax
But we cant eat always, for we would fall sick, we cant work always for we would burn out, we cant sleep always for we would degenerate. I guess some such reasoning for not being single forever. Nice thoughts though..
[Person B]
"Passing genes in not just mating and giving birth but taking care of the children for a long period of time till they can survive by themselves"
So much of self sacrifice required. But he tells me that having kids is marvelous.. And I don't want to miss on anything marvelous in life.
And "Marriage had other added benefits , one of them was/is making political alliances"
As in marriage not just bringing together two people but two families? Hmm.. Maybe. But again, what's in it for me?
"There is recent evidence that human male infidelity is incurable! Guess why?"
Evidence was required?? :D.. But tell me.. Why..?
[Anonymous]: So I don't remain single forever because too much of anything isn't good? That would require me to lead an alternating lifestyle.. That ought to be interesting..:)
An alternating lifestyle, in the case of marriage would not be a trivial task. However,we always either like or dislike (hope or despise) something that we dont have with us at that instance. Hence, the tendency to alternate will always exist. But I believe that people cope with that by encountering new cycles of lifestyle within a marriage itself, as long as they can hold on..
[Anonymous]: Who are you? Just curious..
You do not know me, saw your profile on orkut and then the blog. The post was interesting and hence commented. I apologize if there was even a hint of intrusion, the intent was intellectual exchange.
[Anonymous]: This is what blogs are meant for. The intent is highly appreciated. :)
I feel you are being narrow minded here. There is an inherent, strong alliance between the institution of marriage and a progressive society- which you failed to address.
Marriages are associated with an impressively broad array of positive outcomes for children and adults alike.Marriage, Beyond its well-known contributions to adult health, influences the biological functioning of adults and children in ways that can have important social consequences. It civilizes men and women.
I respect your sentiments on marriage, but at the same time I also feel, marriage plays an important role in shaping the lives of the young ones, their attitude towards elderly people. why do you think kids in America go haywire, go on a killing spree at such young ages?? Virgina tech shootings should ring a bell. Its coz, they have no sense of tradition, no family values, most of them being brought up under single parent care..and contrast these kids with the kids from our part of the world..Its family values, respect for marriage, respect for elders thats instilled in the kids by their parents who have committed their lives to each other, bonding which exists between our mom and dad..all of these are exemplary.
It is upon people like us to be ambassadors of marriage and continue this concept which has been proven efficient majority of the times.
Just ponder over this...you are what are today not only because of your hard work, dedication and all that. Point taken. But, some where in this journey, you have been benefited by the society, influenced by it too.So, I feel there is that need for everyone to give something worthy back to the society. What better gift than preserving the balance and enriching it by not eroding the concept of marriage?
PS: marriages are one way of maintaining balance and harmony in the society- I don't claim, it is THE only way.
This was just my 2 cents. I am no one to change anyones thinking :)
I do agree with some of your points in the blog, they are very well thought out. :)
[Joef]: You make very valid points. All of them are probably true. Marriage contributing to progressive society, necessary for well rounded (and I'm not talking of their shape here) and mentally balanced children, etc. But I do not want to enter into a marriage thinking of it as my contribution to society.
Imagine, you're asking me to spend the rest of my life with a man just so that social balance is maintained.
Yes, I agree I have been influenced/shaped by society. For the better or worse is debatable. Probably a mix of both. But you can't ask me to get married just to give back to the society. Imagine this conversation say 3 years into my marriage.
Him: Why did you marry me if you didn't think you could be happy.
Me: Because I wanted to give back to the society.
Another point. Have you realised that marriage is an unnatural institution. Developed probably because man as a sentient being was/is emotionally weak.
Quote "Another point. Have you realised that marriage is an unnatural institution. Developed probably because man as a sentient being was/is emotionally weak." End Quote
Suprita
I suggest you read the following article and all related links in it before owning up to such a strong "factual" statement:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monogamy
Wiki quote:
"Socially monogamous species are scattered throughout the animal kingdom. Social monogamy has evolved independently in different species."
So I guess man was/is among the socially monogamous animals. And marriage was probably developed to maintain the harmony. Marriage being an unnatural institution point withdrawn.
God wants us to procreate (for the believers).
Science wants us to evolve (for the aetheists).
Marriage is a mechanism for that.
Marriage - natural?
I do not think marriage is a natural way of things. I can try to explain why here but I will refrain because i cannot vocalize the reasons correctly.
I am not against marriage - i just dont want people forcing each other into one! (especially branding it as the NATURAL way to be)
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